An eclipse again  

Posted by Nitu

For quite sometime now I have been feeling that I have been living behind an eclipse. A long seemingly never ending one. Sometimes the shadow of a small moon grows so big and appropriately positioned that it darkens the brightness of size of a sun. And one wonders whether there exists a sun at all. No doubt, "there is always a golden ring following the eclipse" - as someone put it. But sometimes things arrive too late to be relevant. And I hope it won't be the case. I hope it won't happen behind a wall of a future cloud and not after when both the x-ray film on my eyes and the canvas in my hands go numb.

I get frustrated on the slightest setback, get annoyed on the most trivial friction. The world is turning out be too nihilistic and too purposeless and I don't know what to be blamed. As if the imperfect world has taken over the better part of the world for all. Suddenly(?) I have found myself to be a pedantic creature looking for the self sufficiency and meaning in every tiny bit isolating everything apart tending to defy the holistic meaning and existence. I feel as if the microscopic approach had defeated the telescopic approach of a life and no longer co-exist.

Consequently, I have been developing a dislike for anything that directly and remotely deals with the facts- history, statistics, news, chart, survey, percentage, absolute figure- anything; all because they represent the actual world, the factual world. And inevitably developing a sense of abstraction over objectivity which hides the naked truth and gives room for hundred interpretations, poems over chronology envisaging and espousing a perfect concept. When truth and falsehood are blurred juxtaposition, right and wrong are never settled debate - I feel accepting one doctrine is the way to be peace with. This can't amount to an escapism.

A few people argue, this is, indeed, a good phase for me, this is when one can turn upside down of a single thing over and over, flip one side to another side again and again and come up with an interpretation hitherto unknown, meaning and essence of it hitherto explained. But I am too confused. Am I a philosopher in the making or on the road of sainthood? Never I have had such a design in my mind. I will be happy if this transition will have happened as a result of a conscious drive, not as a war treaty after a battle over sadness.

I am fighting hard over everything, yet nothing with all my might and weapons. Till now it is all sands and dusts and a blurred vision. But I am keeping my windows opened, nonetheless. Someone said, we can't keep the windows closed and deprived ourselves of new air because of the fear of the dust.

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 9, 2009 at Sunday, August 09, 2009 . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .


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