Introducing ME- Part 2  

Posted by Nitu in ,

[ Thanks to all of you...your wishes make me feel younger by one year :)
For a couple of days I have been engrossed in work and mating, oops meeting people. I shall start visiting all of your blogs soon. Until then, introducing ME- part 2.]

"I need result, Dr., result, not risk."
"Yes sir. I understand."
But in reality, Dr. GenieAss was wondering how many times his own ass would need to be sacrificed for nurturing an eternal ass. Then again, playing God is not easy, neither serving an omnipresent asshole.

"What's the remedy?"
"Deploy the subject on a hostile be precise on the earth...Sir.."
A deaf frog suddenly jumped out of the window to escape from the dreaded decibel.
"Dr., you can't do that. Remember the subject omega-factor-11? You deployed it there. What damage..god..what inconceivable damage it had done to me! Do you think people worship me? Hell, no, people worship him. He is the God, not me. Damn it."

How can Dr. GenieAss forget that? God never misses an opportunity to remind him of the mistake.

God was referring to Jesus. It is a sour to the core topic. How could someone defeat him in his own game! No, he can't let that happen again. No, never.

"But sir, human beings have evolved ever since. They are now more arrogant, more intolerant, more cruel, more callous. No one trusts anyone, no one agrees with anyone. They have got a system called, democracy sir. The possibility of Jesus happening again is virtually nil in the present scenario."

"Yeah, that I realize. But..."
"To clutter a perfect mind with shits, there is no better place than earth, sir. One just doesn't get along another on that planet." Dr. GenieAss argued.

God weighed the options. At any cost, the subject can't be deployed in an advanced, peaceful planet. That will favor the development of the subject. Who knows what will happen to his supremacy then. Yes, humiliation is better than extinction.

"Alright, let it be the earth then." Between bad and worse, god wisely chose the bad.
"Any deployment target?" - target is the code name for a womb.

"Sir we have already zeroed down on a couple. But the couple is expecting a girl, not boy."
"Dr., I am not here to fulfill expectations, you understand..not to fulfill. I am here to manage the things."

Dr. GenieAss understood the discussion was over. Why every boss talks the same language, or rather every asshole!

So as result of the contingency measure on god's chamber, on 1980, 6th June, around 4 p.m. a truck was rushing towards the town hospital, to its labor room to be precise, in the upper most place of Assam, called Sadiya. This time, however, the truck didn't carry my uncle's timbers, but my mother!
And at 5.17 p.m., the horribly had gone wrong, heavenly research subject was incarnated on the earth.

What followed thereafter was a chain of "wtf" reactions.

On my abnormally tiny size....
The gynecologist- "wtf? Is it a rabbit or a new species on the earth?"
My father - "wtf? So much efforts, so little result!!!"

On my high-pitched marathon cry....
An old women patient who occupied a bed near to mine- "wtf? Son of a bitch or donkey?"
My young mother- "wtf? How to pacify a baby!!!"

And on the world....
Me- "wtf? The conspiracy to suppress my voice has already begun!!!"

Introducing ME-part 1  

Posted by Nitu in ,

June arrived. My friends began to shout.

Narendra, 'buddy, get ready to spend at least 15k.'
Me, 'wtf, paidaa hotewaqt bhi itna kharsa nahi huwa tha!!!(even in my birth time, the price wasn't this much)'
Rasika- 'Can we have the party at a resort?'
Me, 'what? Resort? You are kidding, right?'
'NooOO, I mean it. Seriously.'
Somehow I managed to convince her that it wouldn't be a resort. In the process, I had to throw some philosophical arguments from the kitty of Buddha, 'birth is the cause of every suffering. So,..' Good thing about girls is that you can put the end to a conversation efficiently just throwing a little dose of philosophy. All you need to do is to remember a few philosophers name.
Anyway, we agreed to have it on a place we both love.
'CooOOl.' she concluded.

Finally 6/6 happened. The day when this boy's mom visits a lord Krishna's temple and her soulless son visits millionaire Vijay Mallaya's temples. Idealogies apart, we both celebrate the same cause though.
She became a mother and I became a son on 1980, 6th June, 5.17 p.m.
You must be thinking,'wtf, wy dn't u jst tel dat 6/6 is ur b'day? It's an era of sms,twitter. Ppl dnt hv time even for sex, isn't?'
Relax, life is not sms. Remember the bastard called, Darwin ? Couldn't he keep his mouth shut? 28 years survival stories in sms? You must be crazy just like god.

It (my birth) all started with a knock, yes, a knock at the God's sleeping chamber.
Time-Year 1980, 5th june, 11.15.33 pm.

Knock, knock..
No response.
Bang..Bang..this time with full forces.
(After voyeuring in Madonna's bedroom, god was trying to have a quality time.)
"WTF"- he was surely annoyed while ajaring the door. After a peep into Madonna's hole, anybody would pronounce that..he knew that because he himself set up those rules of erotica.
But his temperament froze off instantly ..because in front of him was standing Dr. GenieAss, none other than the head of conscience and intelligence research wing. Among thousand R&D wings, that was one of the only two research wings with zero level access code..meaning god directly supervises its activities. It also means Dr. GenieAss is authorized to show his ass anytime. Among many vital projects, it's primary projects are- 1. To model unique inscrutable complicated female psyche so that men keep busy themselves analyzing them without needing to turn their attentions to god ever.
2. To prototype certain brains and simulate evolution to analyze whether one day there would be an intelligent brain enough to hack god's mind..exposing all his secrets (he knows, a secret is a weakness in disguise)

"What's the matter Dr.?"
"Sir, prototype xx-delta-7-it is showing unusual evolve pattern..It is evolving at a rate of 1.7 zillion faster than any other prototype and 3.32 billion faster than yours per minute. We have got an emergency situation sir."
"What?????? How could you allow to happen that, Dr.?"
"Sir as you know, we implanted a very high overdose of intelligence to the subject. It's intelligence to mass ratio is an unprecedented 5000:3. We expected a natural dense explosion, leading to self annul. But strangely it is balancing itself while still evolving."
"How long it before surpasses my level of intelligence?" -god's doomsday fear is shockingly near.
"Sir, our estimate shows 17hours 31 minutes 7 seconds."
"oh god...."- even god uses this word in a time of crisis. He wishes there be a still higher power to rescue. "Terminate it with immediate effect. You hear me? Terminate it."
"I am sorry sir. Terminate is not possible at this time. The subject has developed a defense mechanism that even our most sophisticated technique can't break.
'ohhhh..god...'-- Madonna was as distant as Pluto by then..his eyes were seeing ghosts of fears. He never thought he had been hosting so much fear in his omnipotent heart.
'Dr. there has to be a way least a way'-- god desperately looking for a thatch like a drowning man.
"Indeed sir, there is a way. But it's extremely risky."
[To be continued...]